Claim to Fame: Fastest, hardest-hitting sniper in the NHL; pirate-smiling, malaprop-spouting, internet girlfriend-finding charmer; possible on-ice menace if you believe Colin Campbell
Claim to Fame: Pretty much considered the best tennis player ever to tread the Earth, all while never even breaking into a light sweat or mussing his fabulously glossy hair; rivalry with Rafael Nadal is the only interesting thing about tennis, since he so thoroughly dominates every other player 98% of the time; saddled his twin girls with unfortunately matronly monikers
Roger Federer pisses excellence, not only on the court, but in hotness contests. He takes down America's favorite Russian in a decisive victory.
Claim to Fame: Robot sold to the NHL at an early age, downloaded with the finest skills in hockey; current Stanley Cup holder and Olympic gold medal-winner/hero; SportSquee legend and unofficial father of my dog
Claim to Fame: One-time soccer phenom/pride of England/namesake of charming low-budget girl power movie; currently vagabond footballer/one-half of obscenely famous supercouple/model of junk-defining underpants; devoted daddy with a Minnie Mouse voice and a face created to make you feel bad about yourself.
Coasting off an Olympic high and being the namesake of the cutest dog in the universe, Sidney Crosby takes down SportSquee Hall-of-Famer David Beckham.
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