334. The Lovers' Guide 3D

Apparently, it's the one you've all been waiting for, you mucky lot.
So many folk who follow everyfilmin2011 have been asking me about when and how I will get around to watching the Lovers Guide 3D.
Come on fellas (they are the only ones who've asked), my kids are reading... what do you expect?
Anyway, I bought a copy from ebay for a tenner (I'll be flogging it next week to get my money back), having noticed that it included two pairs of 3D glasses.
By that, I mean those cardboard types with one blue eye and one red, which are meant to work with a normal telly.
So there Mrs W and I sat, with kiddies' glasses on, in the dark being taught lessons about basic 'ow's yer father after 23 years of marriage.
Now, it will be almost impossible to continue this review without slipping into double entendres (I suspect I just did it).
I could certainly write about wooden narration but can already imagine a woman I work with in fits of laughter.
Look, it's a simple as this, this is a documentary which informs you how to go from chat up lines to the full monty.
It is narrated (with no panache) by former Holby City star Jeremy Edwards and ex-EastEnders and Hollyoaks actress Gemma Bissix.
I got the wrong end of the stick (there I go again) by thinking Bissix was one of the 'stars' of the film. That would have been a story.
Anyway, it is little more than a teenagers guide to sex, covering all the basics (or should I say bases).
It is split up into chapters which range from flirting to ... well, you can imagine.
If it's intention is to be educational rather than erotic it succeeds easily. It is very explicit but its script has the effect of a cold shower.
Clearly, the point which is missed with films like this is that this is meant to be a fun activity. The 'actors' certainly have a fair few facial contortions but smiles and laughter are rare.
By the end Mrs W and I were failing to see the point.
Our 3D glasses had long been dispensed because of their ineffectiveness (thank goodness, the prospect of body parts flying from the screen was more than a little unappealing) and instead we concentrated on giving it our rating ...3/10
And, those who will ask why I'm reviewing it...The Lovers Guide 3D appeared in cinemas for a week in February and was listed on the Film Distributors Association website... so there.